Adult children can be estranged from a parent for many reasons. We see this as a recurring issue in consulting with adult children at AgingParents.com. Usually, we hear that the parent has been repeatedly abusive or neglectful, and communication has ceased altogether. The child wants nothing more to do with that parent.
Then something happens. The adult child learns that the aging parent is in trouble, is impaired, has dementia, and is very vulnerable in some way. Soul searching happens. The elder has no one else. The adult child steps in and takes responsibility for the aging parent, often reluctantly.
Case Study
This is a real case with facts from a matter we were involved in at AgingParents.com. We consulted with the child of an elder. I have changed all the names to protect identities. It was very emotional for the daughter, the only child of a mother in her late 80s living alone.
This drama began when the daughter, whom we’ll call “Lucinda,” got a call from her mother’s neighbor. Mom’s neighbor wasn’t a close friend of Mom but she had regular contact with her and did see her every day. Mom, whom we’ll call Katie, used to go on her front porch every evening and talk loudly to herself. The neighbor noticed that this habit had suddenly stopped. She had not seen Katie for several days. She had knocked on Katie’s door but got no answer. Katie had given the neighbor her daughter’s contact information long ago, in case of emergency. Lucinda lived in another state. She got the neighbor’s call.
Lucinda’s uncle Jack was supposed to be looking out for his sister Katie, but he hadn’t seen her for some time. Lucinda called him and said Katie didn’t answer the door and the neighbor reported that she hadn’t come out for several days. The uncle, Katie’s brother, was dismissive. He said “she’s probably traveling”. Lucinda thought that was absurd. She did know that Katie was physically frail and certainly didn’t travel. She decided to go to Katie’s house to see for herself. She had a long drive from out of state. When she got to Katie’s house, it was dark, with no sign of anyone inside.
She was not able to get into the house, as the door was locked. Katie didn’t answer the door nor a phone call. Lucinda asked us what to do. I advised her to call the police and ask them to do a welfare check. That is when the officer goes to check if there is anything wrong with a person who is out of contact when someone requests it.
The police officer knocked on the door and called out, but got no answer. Lucinda was with him. With Lucinda’s permission, he broke the door open. When they entered, they did not see Katie. They went through the house to a back bedroom, with the door also locked. The officer broke in. Katie was on her bed, barely conscious. She was extremely thin and emaciated. She was sitting in filth. Lucinda called an ambulance. Katie was taken to the hospital and put in ICU to address her malnutrition and many other serious health problems.
We continued to consult with Lucinda throughout this process.
Lucinda was furious with her uncle, who had legal authority but had clearly failed to see to his sister’s well-being for some time. There were legal issues of neglect and failure to do the job of an agent on a person’s power of attorney document. Lucinda was able to get control. Her mother developed complications with her health conditions, and where we left off, she was not expected to survive.
Lucinda was left with quite a mess. She got legal control, but this burden meant that she had to address the mess in her mother’s house and finances as well as deal with her uncle. She had to cope with the many emotions that surfaced for her as she found all the problems. She told us that she knew she was doing the right thing. Her mother had safety, care, and attention during the last part of her life. Lucinda was able to reconcile her own feelings about how her mother had treated her in the past.
The Takeaway:
If you are an only child estranged from your aging parent, consider whether there is the right thing for you to do if you learn that your parent may be frail, demented, or otherwise in serious trouble. Some adult children do step in, forgive the past, and do the work to address the extreme situations of neglect, abuse, or other matters they learn about with that parent. Others simply do nothing. Everyone’s conscience is different. And if you are an only child or only reliably competent child, your own conscience must guide you should you ever face the kind of situation described in this real case.
By Carolyn L. Rosenblatt, RN, Attorney
