The phone call came to Dad’s daughter (FD) at 6 AM. Again. This time, it was the night
caregiver reporting that her father had fallen while trying to get out of bed. She had jumped up
and tried to stop him but she could only get to him in time to break his fall. Fortunately, he
wasn’t hurt this time. She had a hard time getting him off the floor by herself and had called out
to Dad’s wife in the next room to help get him back into bed. His wife, (SW) had slept through
the entire thing. The caregiver was exasperated. She needed more help and SW did not provide
it. It was the third incident in two weeks, and FD knew something had to change.
Trying To Supervise From A Distance
For months, FD had watched her fathers condition deteriorate from 300 miles away, visiting as
often as she could. Advanced dementia had robbed Dad of his independence, and multiple
physical ailments had left him requiring round-the-clock care. He was on hospice care, meaning
he was expected to be at end of life within six months. He could no longer climb stairs. Even
with workers there 24/7, he was not receiving the quality attention he needed in the two-story
condo he shared with his wife of fifteen years. The bathroom was on the second floor and he
couldn’t even have a shower. Sponge baths were just not what FD believed were good enough.
SW was extremely stubborn and totally resistant to change. She refused to participate in any
discussions about FD moving Dad to a memory care senior home even when invited to do so. At
78 herself, she lacked the physical strength and emotional willingness to provide the extent of
help her husband required. She was also rejecting the recommendations of both his primary care
physician and the hospice team, countermanding their orders and putting Dad at greater risk
every day. FD felt compelled to make a decision about moving Dad.
The Daughter’s Legal Authority
Years earlier, when her father was still lucid, he had designated FD as his agent with power of
attorney for financial decisions. He had also placed her as his agent to make healthcare decisions
if he could no longer do so. He intentionally did not give any such authority to his wife. Perhaps
he understood that he could not really count on her if he ever became impaired. FD had already
taken charge of Dad’s finances and was paying all the bills, including the rent on the condo. She
knew she had to preserve his assets to pay for care to the end of his life, and she wanted the best
for him. He was just not getting it with paid caregivers working one at a time on their shifts.
More reinforcement was needed.
She did her research. She found an excellent care home a few minutes from where she lived and
worked. She could stop by every day and check in on Dad, something she could not do from
hundreds of miles away. Adding up the cost, it would turn out to be less expensive than the
current arrangement, with the caregivers and rent on a condo that was not a workable
environment for him. He would have to move and SW would have to also. That was going to be
tricky to navigate.
Navigating Family Conflict
FD’s efforts to involve her stepmother in planning better care arrangements over the full prior
year had been met with hostility and non-cooperation. Despite repeated invitations from FD to
SW to discuss the issues about Dad with the beloved family doctor, and make a plan for moving
Dad, SW seemed to cling to denial. She would not plan, nor discuss the matter.
The conflict created additional stress for everyone involved, including her father, who could
sense the tension even in his diminished cognitive state. FD realized that waiting for agreements
would only put her father at continued safety risks in an unacceptable quality of life situation. He
kept begging FD to take him with her every time she visited.
Hospice Care-Could It Continue?
The new facility was willing to work with a local hospice organization that could continue the
medical oversight her father had been receiving. This meant his medication management and
comfort care would remain consistent while significantly improving his daily quality of life.
They also recommended a new hospice physician who was treating other residents at the home
and FD asked for him to accept her Dad for care. He did so. FD signed the documents to get Dad
into his new home, and furnished his room. A date was set.
The Strategy Of How To Time the Move
FD sought advice from us at AgingParents.com, a nurse-lawyer/psychologist team about the
move. Did she have the legal right to do this? Yes. Should she tell SW well in advance? No, that
would create an opportunity for SW to undermine and sabotage the plan. We suggested that FD
get copies of the legal documents together and create a letter to give to SW at the time of the
move. She and another sibling who lived out of state were able to coordinate the plan for taking
Dad by car to his new home. The sibling would be there. A faithful caregiver would accompany
them on the drive of several hours. They informed Adult Protective Services and the local police
department in writing that this was a legally authorized move and why it was necessary. They did
this in anticipation that SW might call the police and accuse them of kidnapping Dad when they
took him out. The preparation was in place. The move happened, much to FD’s relief.
SW was given a choice. She could move to a smaller condo in the same complex, suitable for
one person if she chose, and FD would pay the rent there. Or, FD would help her find an
appropriate place to live near Dad if she chose to do that, and FD would pay for the move and
pay the rent from Dad’s assets. At the moment of the move, SW did not make a choice and her next steps were not clear yet. Whatever she decided, she would also be safe with enough of an
allowance to live comfortably.
The Takeaways
1. If you as an adult child or other family face these hard situations, trust your legal
documents. FD knew that she had legal authority to make decisions for her Dad who was
no longer competent to make them, and those decisions were necessary for his safety and
well-being. She had to act courageously as SW resisted everything she offered prior to
the decision. Most important, Dad had begged FD to take him with her when she visited,
a sure sign that he was not happy in the condo with less than he needed and no privacy.
2. Focus on your legal and moral obligation to protect the person who gave you authority to
act when that person is no longer capable of making such decisions. They come first.
Resistance from others must not stop you.
3. Before any difficult decision like moving out of the home takes place, offer others
involved the opportunity to give their input. In this case, multiple attempts to give SW the
chance to weigh in were met with stonewalling or hostility. She then was told how it was
going to be, as she failed to express any interest in decision-making. The consequences of
refusing to plan with the person in authority had its impact.
Carolyn L. Rosenblatt, RN, Attorney, AgingParents.com
Does this sound like someone in your family? If you have a stubborn aging parent, we offer advice and strategy to relieve your distress from our unique RN-Attorney, Psychologist team. Contact us at AgingParents.com or call 866-962-4464 for an introductory call to learn more.
