My parents were married for 62 years. They had a good marriage and made a good life for me and my sister. Mom was very dependent on my father to do most all things around the house. She was not very mechanical or resourceful when it came to problem solving. Mom always had a rocky relationship with my older sister. So when my father died two years ago, I knew that my role with my mother was about to change. So now after raising two children, both in their twenties and living independently, I WORRY ABOUT MOM BEING ALONE. I feel sad for my mother. I want so much to relieve the pain she feels from loneliness. I feel so blessed that I have a loving wife of 28 years and two great kids. But, what do I do about Mom? I live about 500 miles away, and try to call her every day. I encourage her to continue and reach out to others, and generally she does quite well socially. However, no one can replace the lifelong companionship my father provided Mom. You know, even after working as a psychologist for over 37 years, knowing that I can’t take anyone’s pain away, I still want to do more for my wonderful mom. Anyone got some solutions for the good doctor?
If your aging parent was married for most of his or her life, has lost a spouse and is now living alone, it creates new responsibility for us, the adult children. The spouse who died may have been the one who handled all the finances. Or perhaps the one surviving doesn’t know how to cook or clean house.
We at AgingParents.com have been through this and we’re still finding out what it takes to keep an 88 year old mom safe and engaged. My Dad passed away after 62 years of marriage to my Mom. I’m the only son. I have a sister, but the task of teaching and watching over Mom has largely fallen to me and my wife, partner at AgingParents.com, Carolyn.
Though we had not been in the habit of talking on the phone more often than every two weeks or so, the first thing I did was change that. I call Mom almost every day to check in. She often has questions. I answer them, offer suggestions, give her different ideas.
It’s a small thing, really, but it makes a big difference. Mom is happier and more secure. I guess in some ways, I’ve filled the role my Dad used to play in helping lead the way with decisions and helping her figure a lot of things out. I don’t mind helping her and the time it takes isn’t all that much.
So, here’s Dr. Davis’ basic tip for anyone whose aging parent is widowed and now living alone for the first time. Call every day. Ask if she needs help with anything. Find out what activities she’s doing and make suggestions she can follow to stay busy. Offer her the news of your day, your kids’ day or whatever is of interest to you. It’s the contact that counts, not necessarily the content of what is said.
You can do something to reduce feelings of loneliness in your aging parent by making the time for that daily phone call. A few minutes of your time and attention is a gift worth giving. It can brighten your mom or dad’s day with little effort on your part.
We spent the last week with my 88 year old Mom, taking her on vacation with us. You might wonder what it’s like taking an aging parent on vacation. Is it going to be a lot of trouble? What if something goes wrong? Can she handle the level of activity?
My mom firmly believed that she couldn’t handle the altitude of a trip to the mountains. Lake Tahoe, CA is over 6000 feet above sea level. She hadn’t been there in years, and had never traveled there with us.
Since Dad passed away two years ago, I’ve tried to do the right thing for my Mom. I’m the only son, and that’s a special role. Fortunately, my wife and partner at AgingParents.com, Carolyn, was willing to help me talk my Mom into the idea of going with us to Lake Tahoe.
Carolyn has a nursing background, so she suggested that if Mom had trouble with breathing in the altitude, she would get her a portable oxygen tank and that should take care of it. Carolyn is very persuasive, also being a lawyer. Mom said “OK”. We went, spent a wonderful and fun week, and Mom enjoyed it to the max. No breathing trouble at all!
Yes, it was a little more trouble to include her in our trip. It wasn’t all that much effort though. We just slowed down the pace and made sure to watch out for her.
When your Mom is 88, you never know how many vacations she’s got left in her. We really believe in trying to take advantage of her mobility, her clear mind, and her willingness to take a chance on trying something new. She’s not a perfect parent, but I never focus on that. I focus on keeping the quality of her life high, and seeing that she has something to look forward to in her life. She’s lonely without Dad.
I want us all to come from a place of kindness. We have to set aside the past when we experience this last part of life’s journey with our aging parents. Forgive their faults, try to bring out the best in them. Be an antidote to their lonely days or nights for a bit.
I believe we’ll never regret doing right by them, even if it’s a difficult task.
I feel satisfied knowing that I’ve created a lovely week for my Mom. She had fun. She felt loved and secure with her family. What’s more important than that?
See What Some Of Our Subscribers & Clients Have Said About Us . . .
“The support and solid advice I’ve been given these last 4 very long years of dealing with a difficult sibling and a dear mother with declining and debilitating dementia helped to keep me able to deal with the many challenges that I’ve had to face. Believe me it is a mine field.
With Mikol and Carolyn, it has made such a difference in figuring out and deciding how to proceed and ended up with me realizing my own strength in the process.
Hard lessons I came to terms with and continue with daily and on many levels. Thank you both so much!”
-Susan B.
“Carolyn and Dr Davis are experts in the field of mediation. I have personally witnessed their work with elderly clients and their families. Through their expertise and detailed inquiry they were able to assist the client and their children through a difficult process.”-E. Tina Chepick RN GCM (Geriatric Care Manager, RN)
“Carolyn was one of Gilbert Guide’s expert columnists during my tenure as managing editor. Not only was I impressed by the breadth and depth of her expertise—on an array of senior-related topics ranging from senior driving to home care—but I was also pleased to discover such a strong writing talent. Being a registered nurse and an attorney, Carolyn has a unique background that lends itself to senior advocacy, but what really makes her stand out is not simply her knowledge and experience; it’s that she’s creative, business-savvy, rigorous in her pursuit of justice, and tireless, as she’s constantly searching for new avenues of helping others. She’s also a joy to work with. I recommend her highly.” -Nikki Jong, Editor Gilbert Guide
“I am always blown away with the way you can cut things to the chase and see what is really going on. It is very hard for me to focus and not get caught up in all the details and miss seeing the clear picture. I have learned a lot about myself from your feedback.” -Mary C. (Recent Client)
“My 80 year old mother has early stage Alzheimer’s Disease, yet STILL has very clear ideas of her own! What a pleasure to work with caring professionals willing to make the effort to really listen to her, to her concerns and wishes – as well as advising me in my role as caretaker, healthcare proxy and power of attorney. With the huge workload and responsibilities of care-taking, (plus pressures from both immediate and extended family,) I can’t imagine how we’d manage without the ongoing support and guidance my mother and I receive from Ms. Rosenblatt and Dr. Davis. Thank you, both.”-Jessica C. (Recent Client)
“I talked to seven different lawyers in trying to figure out what kind of help to get for my father. No one seemed to be able to really tell me what I needed. Carolyn, you were the most practical of anyone. You were amazingly helpful.”-Jane H., MD
“I really didn’t know what to do with my crazy sister. She was making my life miserable. I was so relieved when you told me what to say to her in the letter you helped me write. I was worried that she was going to kidnap my mom and it would be so dangerous with her Alzheimer’s. We finally worked it out, and she isn’t giving us any trouble anymore. Mom is stable now.”-Linda H.
“Dear Ms. Rosenblatt & Dr. Davis:… After talking to some of the care managers you recommended, my sisters and I met with Michele Boudinot yesterday. We liked her very much and feel that she will be able to help us set up care for our mother that better meets her current needs. Thank you again the valuable information and advise.” -Mary
“Dear Ms. Rosenblatt & Dr. Davis,
Thank you for your time in managing the meeting with our family. While it was challenging at times, it could not have taken place without your expertise and knowledge of elders and their families. You kept us on-track and focused on the facts to reach a positive outcome (we may have never reached a resolution on our own).
My younger sister called me and offered to get dad’s list of medications and we’ll be meeting with his physician as well. I also reached out to my other sister so we’re all moving in the right direction.
Thank you again for helping us focus on the most important thing that ties us together…our dad.” -Wendy York
“Dear AgingParents.com
I want to compliment Carolyn Rosenblatt and Dr. Davis on the newsletter you’ve been sending out to the community. It is exceptionally informative. You have provided useful tools and information to those of us working in the field of gerontology and the legal arena. I appreciate the efforts and applaud the web site.
By Carolyn L. Rosenblatt, Nurse-Attorney, AgingParents.com
We see it a lot at AgingParents.com. Those family fights about spending mom or dad’s money to pay for their care. What starts them? Usually, it’s fear by one adult child or the other who thinks he or she is entitled to an inheritance. What do you mean, spending the money on Mom and not saving it for me??
Friction usually starts when the aging parent has declined in health and can no longer live alone. The cost of hiring a home care worker shocks everyone. Or perhaps a family member has been caring for Mom for free and the job is getting more and more complex. That family member wants out.
A choice has to be made: move Mom to a facility where care can be provided, or supply a paid caregiver at Mom’s home. At an average price across the country of about $11 per hour, and as much as $29 per hour for a home care worker in more expensive places, this can lead to crisis.
Whether Mom has a lot of financial assets or not, the decision to spend them for care can get a rise out of any adult child who has a sense of entitlement to money Mom was planning to leave to the kids. Some of those adult children have never done well financially themselves. They’re now in their 50’s or 60’s. They’re looking for the gravy train to save them, and it’s the inheritance.
While some aging parents can become eligible for Medicaid by intentionally impoverishing themselves to qualify to go into a nursing home, this is not a great option for very many. No one wants to go to a nursing home.
The estate planners who talk about “protecting your assets” by valid Medicaid planning have a point for certain people for whom this is appropriate. But, it’s definitely not for everyone. I’ve worked in nursing homes as an aide and as an R.N. I’ve sued them for neglect as a lawyer. I wouldn’t want to spend my last days in one if I could help it.
Although health care reform is initiating efforts to keep people at home instead of spending taxpayer dollars to put aging parents in nursing homes, this is only beginning. For the most part, if you want to “protect your assets”, you have to get poor enough by giving them away to qualify you for Medicaid.
I say let elders stay at home if that’s their choice. Making them poor so Suzy Q can get a chunk of cash when Mom passes seems unfair to me. It’s not Suzy’s money, she’s the child. I hope aging parents will take another look at the future, if they are in declining health.
Make sure your estate plan doesn’t let your kids sell the house, stash the cash legally and put you in a nursing home as long as you are aware of your surroundings. You might not like a nursing home on Medicaid as much as you like your own bed. You’d have at least one roommate, maybe two in a Medicaid nursing home bed.
So, think it over. Kids counting on an inheritance can see their hopes dashed by the need to pay for mom’s care with Mom’s assets. Getting an inheritance is something adult kids are lucky to get, not something to which they are entitled.
If greed is lurking in your family, I encourage you to have a meeting and get it straight now, before the time comes to spend Mom’s funds for her care. People are living longer than ever now. It could happen in your family. Don’t wait for a crisis.
Carolyn L. Rosenblatt, RN, BSN, Attorney,
AgingParents.com
Boomer sons and daughters may have been honoring their dads this Father’s Day. Maybe some of those dads, being in their late 70’s and their 80’s, aren’t so sharp anymore. Maybe some of them have loss of mobility, hearing losses, some trouble walking and taking care of things. Some are slowing down.
Their adult kids might be feeling a little anxious about now. How many Father’s Days do we have left?
Since we never know how many days, special days or not are left, honoring our dads is a pretty good idea any day. They all have their faults. Some were better fathers than others. Some were hard on us, some were not. Some lifted us up and some let us down. But for anyone who still has a dad, we forgive the human failings, love the good and want to hold onto it.
Some day if we’re lucky, we’ll be the elders. We’ll be the ones our kids look at and wonder how may days they’ve got left with us. For this time, this Father’s Day, my wish for you is that you focus on one good or really great thing about your own Dad, and hope you can be that. Hope that you can take one lesson that meant a lot from your father, and pass it on, live it by example, or show your offspring how it’s done.
For this Father’s Day, honor your dad or his memory by being the best thing he was, every chance you get. Remember the best, look past the worst, and in your heart, say thank you. You are you, a part of him always.
It happens every day. There is an aging parent in failing health. Maybe the problem is memory loss. Maybe it’s trouble walking, bathing, or keeping track of the checkbook.
Families all over the country are facing this because parents are living whole lot longer than they used to in past generations. When one adult child lives nearby and the others don’t, what can the caregiver do?
We think the family meeting is a good start. If you’re all on speaking terms, suggest that you meet in person, the best way. There is no substitute for a face to face meeting. If there’s difficult history or poor communication in person, perhaps a telephone conference is the next best thing.
There are free telephone conferencing services available, such as www.freeconference.com, which let all family be on the phone together at once. You can also record it and anyone who has to miss it can dial into a number and listen to the conference afterwards.
One family member is the “host”. That person gets the ball rolling by dialing into a number that the conferencing service provides at a time every family member has agreed upon, available 24/7.
Everyone else dials in to the number and then you can all hear each other. The only charge is a long distance call to the number.
The last type of family meeting we suggest is a virtual one, by email. Everyone has to be able to use a computer for this. This approach works best where there is a lot of hostility, or an especially difficult family member who may not behave well in person or on the phone.
Email meetings are still a way to suggest sharing the load, make agreements and to identify and divide the tasks related to the care of an aging loved one. It’s like muzzling the nasty tone of voice someone might have that throws you off your game.
If you’re the one who thinks you might be facing an unfair share in caring for an aging parent, consider calling a family meeting to talk about it. Write down some ideas ahead of time, and perhaps share them with everyone.
We hope this idea can work for your family. Since we help clients with family meetings, both in person and by phone, we know it can really help clear the air and keep everyone on track. We’re all aiming for the best for our aging parents.
Will You Live Out Your Life At Home?
Expert speakers’ topics will include:
• All About Home Care
• Why Do You Need Care Management?
• What Are Adult Day Programs in Marin?
• How To Best Use Local Senior Resources
SENIORS RESOURCE FORUM
When: Thursday, April 8, 2010
Time: 2:00 pm – 4:00 pm
Where: Whistlestop
930 Tamalpais
San Rafael, CA
Following the presentation, meet with our experts one-on-one with
your questions about:
• Adult Day Services
• Affordable Housing
• Estate and Medi-Cal Planning
• Family Legal Issues
• Geriatric Care Management
• Geriatric Psychological Issues
• Home Care
• Long-Term Care and Medicare Insurance
• Transportation Alternatives
• Financial Planning
Presented by the Seniors Resource Forum (Sponsored by Marinlink), a volunteer
nonprofit organization for community education
www.seniorsresourceforum.com
Reservations recommended: (415) 485-3348
Light refreshments will be served. Some parking is available.
The latest article on the challenges of aging and the universal need for companionship
By Carolyn Rosenblatt
Special to Marinscope Newspapers
Inundated with marketing about Valentine’s Day events, I noticed a glaring lack of silver hair in all the pictures of happy couples. Valentine’s Day, like most commentary about romance, was clearly not made with seniors in mind. Our culture seems to entirely dismiss the concept that older people, divorced or widowed, might fall in love again. But they do…….
My parents were married for 62 years. They had a good marriage and made a good life for me and my sister. Mom was very dependent on my father to do most all things around the house. She was not very mechanical or resourceful when it came to problem solving. Mom always had a rocky relationship with my older sister. So when my father died two years ago, I knew that my role with my mother was about to change. So now after raising two children, both in their twenties and living independently, I WORRY ABOUT MOM BEING ALONE. I feel sad for my mother. I want so much to relieve the pain she feels from loneliness. I feel so blessed that I have a loving wife of 28 years and two great kids. But, what do I do about Mom? I live about 500 miles away, and try to call her every day. I encourage her to continue and reach out to others, and generally she does quite well socially. However, no one can replace the lifelong companionship my father provided Mom. You know, even after working as a psychologist for over 37 years, knowing that I can’t take anyone’s pain away, I still want to do more for my wonderful mom. Anyone got some solutions for the good doctor?
