My parents were married for 62 years. They had a good marriage and made a good life for me and my sister. Mom was very dependent on my father to do most all things around the house. She was not very mechanical or resourceful when it came to problem solving. Mom always had a rocky relationship with my older sister. So when my father died two years ago, I knew that my role with my mother was about to change. So now after raising two children, both in their twenties and living independently, I WORRY ABOUT MOM BEING ALONE. I feel sad for my mother. I want so much to relieve the pain she feels from loneliness. I feel so blessed that I have a loving wife of 28 years and two great kids. But, what do I do about Mom? I live about 500 miles away, and try to call her every day. I encourage her to continue and reach out to others, and generally she does quite well socially. However, no one can replace the lifelong companionship my father provided Mom. You know, even after working as a psychologist for over 37 years, knowing that I can’t take anyone’s pain away, I still want to do more for my wonderful mom. Anyone got some solutions for the good doctor?
A social worker from the Alzheimer’s Association called today, to ask about a client. Her mother has dementia. The mom doesn’t have a durable power of attorney. A crisis is looming. If your parent is no longer safe about making money decisions, or your parent is vulnerable to manipulation (these two things go together), they are creating a serious problem. If your parent loses ”financial capacity” as we call it legally, they can’t sign documents relating to money, such as loan papers, withdrawal slips from the bank, and such. You can’t sign them either unless you have been legally appointed to do that. Some people just sign their parent’s name. That’s called forgery. Don’t.
Some people have the parent sign, even though Dad has no idea what he’s signing and can barely remember how to write. That’s not safe to do legally either. What if someone accuses you of manipulation, or financial elder abuse?
I think a careful, respectful approach can work to persuade a parent to cooperate with getting this document signed. After they’ve gone too far down the road of dementia and can’t manage money anymore at all, it’s too late. That can sneak up on you. It doesn’t have a clear path, a set amount of time, or alarm bells along the way.
Here are five tips for getting your parent to cooperate with getting a durable power of attorney signed.
1. Start with you, or call on the most trusted, most respected person in your parent’s life. Another relative, a friend, the doctor, a nurse, the clergy person will all do as your allies. Decide who will make the approach. Pick a good time of day or of the week.
2. Approach your parent with respect. You’ve got to gently tell Mom it’s time to plan for the future. You’ve got to let Dad know that you don’t want anyone to rip him off. Insist very gently.
3. Suggest the right person for the job. The person who has been in financial trouble, who is not good with money, or whose motives are doubtful is NOT the one to pick to be anyone’s power of attorney for finances.
4. You’ve got to supply the document. Here’s a free one for CA you can download by clicking on this link. It will generally work in other states too, or you can likely get one free for your state, too.
5. Be sure you have a notary to go to or one who will come to your parent’s home to notarize the document. That’s essential, as having the durable power of attorney notarized makes it legally valid.
We spent the last week with my 88 year old Mom, taking her on vacation with us. You might wonder what it’s like taking an aging parent on vacation. Is it going to be a lot of trouble? What if something goes wrong? Can she handle the level of activity?
My mom firmly believed that she couldn’t handle the altitude of a trip to the mountains. Lake Tahoe, CA is over 6000 feet above sea level. She hadn’t been there in years, and had never traveled there with us.
Since Dad passed away two years ago, I’ve tried to do the right thing for my Mom. I’m the only son, and that’s a special role. Fortunately, my wife and partner at AgingParents.com, Carolyn, was willing to help me talk my Mom into the idea of going with us to Lake Tahoe.
Carolyn has a nursing background, so she suggested that if Mom had trouble with breathing in the altitude, she would get her a portable oxygen tank and that should take care of it. Carolyn is very persuasive, also being a lawyer. Mom said “OK”. We went, spent a wonderful and fun week, and Mom enjoyed it to the max. No breathing trouble at all!
Yes, it was a little more trouble to include her in our trip. It wasn’t all that much effort though. We just slowed down the pace and made sure to watch out for her.
When your Mom is 88, you never know how many vacations she’s got left in her. We really believe in trying to take advantage of her mobility, her clear mind, and her willingness to take a chance on trying something new. She’s not a perfect parent, but I never focus on that. I focus on keeping the quality of her life high, and seeing that she has something to look forward to in her life. She’s lonely without Dad.
I want us all to come from a place of kindness. We have to set aside the past when we experience this last part of life’s journey with our aging parents. Forgive their faults, try to bring out the best in them. Be an antidote to their lonely days or nights for a bit.
I believe we’ll never regret doing right by them, even if it’s a difficult task.
I feel satisfied knowing that I’ve created a lovely week for my Mom. She had fun. She felt loved and secure with her family. What’s more important than that?
By Carolyn L. Rosenblatt, nurse-attorney, AgingParents.com
Here at AgingParents.com, we’re seeing this problem over and over. Adult children contact us, worried about an aging parent who is declining mentally, physically, or both. They’ve just gotten around to dealing with it, and they’re lost. Signs of alarm have been there for years.
We’re always glad to assist by giving them personal advice and guidance about what to do, from the perspective of a nurse-attorney and psychologist, but we wonder. What will happen in our society to provide this needed information? Families don’t know how to manage the problems aging parents get when they live so long.
Here’s a typical scenario we heard about today :
Adult daughter calls to ask for help. The family doesn’t know what to do with mom. Mom refuses all help. She lives alone and has been going downhill since dad died about 3 years before. Now, she seems to be getting paranoid. She’s not able to be independent anymore, but she thinks she can live alone.
I ask, “ Is there a durable power of attorney?” “Who’s in charge?” Well, no, no one’s in charge they say. And I am trying to wrap my mind around why four adult children, three of whom live nearby, have not done the most basic of things to protect mom legally.
We’ll be able to help these siblings with their aging parent problems by having a family meeting and doing some strategizing. At least they’ll have a direction when we’re done. But, how sad that they have waited until this crisis, when mom is so debilitated that she is hard to work with and less cooperative than before. The stress could have been lessened with one simple document.
Right after dad passed away would have been the ideal time to move forward and get her to sign a durable power of attorney. No one did. At AgingParents.com, Dr. Davis will likely do an evaluation of mom for dementia, to help everyone learn about just what we’re working with here. Then, the family can plan accordingly.
Make a note to yourself, boomers: when mom or dad becomes a widow, you’ve got to move fairly soon to be certain that some plan is in place for the other aging parent. The basics always include a durable power of attorney for finances.
Someone reliable has to be able to step in if your aging parent loses the capacity to make safe money decisions. Don’t wait until he or she is barely able to function, gets totally paranoid or has dementia. Find out your solutions in a minibook, How to Handle Money for Aging Loved Ones.
See What Some Of Our Subscribers & Clients Have Said About Us . . .
“The support and solid advice I’ve been given these last 4 very long years of dealing with a difficult sibling and a dear mother with declining and debilitating dementia helped to keep me able to deal with the many challenges that I’ve had to face. Believe me it is a mine field.
With Mikol and Carolyn, it has made such a difference in figuring out and deciding how to proceed and ended up with me realizing my own strength in the process.
Hard lessons I came to terms with and continue with daily and on many levels. Thank you both so much!”
-Susan B.
“Carolyn and Dr Davis are experts in the field of mediation. I have personally witnessed their work with elderly clients and their families. Through their expertise and detailed inquiry they were able to assist the client and their children through a difficult process.”-E. Tina Chepick RN GCM (Geriatric Care Manager, RN)
“Carolyn was one of Gilbert Guide’s expert columnists during my tenure as managing editor. Not only was I impressed by the breadth and depth of her expertise—on an array of senior-related topics ranging from senior driving to home care—but I was also pleased to discover such a strong writing talent. Being a registered nurse and an attorney, Carolyn has a unique background that lends itself to senior advocacy, but what really makes her stand out is not simply her knowledge and experience; it’s that she’s creative, business-savvy, rigorous in her pursuit of justice, and tireless, as she’s constantly searching for new avenues of helping others. She’s also a joy to work with. I recommend her highly.” -Nikki Jong, Editor Gilbert Guide
“I am always blown away with the way you can cut things to the chase and see what is really going on. It is very hard for me to focus and not get caught up in all the details and miss seeing the clear picture. I have learned a lot about myself from your feedback.” -Mary C. (Recent Client)
“My 80 year old mother has early stage Alzheimer’s Disease, yet STILL has very clear ideas of her own! What a pleasure to work with caring professionals willing to make the effort to really listen to her, to her concerns and wishes – as well as advising me in my role as caretaker, healthcare proxy and power of attorney. With the huge workload and responsibilities of care-taking, (plus pressures from both immediate and extended family,) I can’t imagine how we’d manage without the ongoing support and guidance my mother and I receive from Ms. Rosenblatt and Dr. Davis. Thank you, both.”-Jessica C. (Recent Client)
“I talked to seven different lawyers in trying to figure out what kind of help to get for my father. No one seemed to be able to really tell me what I needed. Carolyn, you were the most practical of anyone. You were amazingly helpful.”-Jane H., MD
“I really didn’t know what to do with my crazy sister. She was making my life miserable. I was so relieved when you told me what to say to her in the letter you helped me write. I was worried that she was going to kidnap my mom and it would be so dangerous with her Alzheimer’s. We finally worked it out, and she isn’t giving us any trouble anymore. Mom is stable now.”-Linda H.
“Dear Ms. Rosenblatt & Dr. Davis:… After talking to some of the care managers you recommended, my sisters and I met with Michele Boudinot yesterday. We liked her very much and feel that she will be able to help us set up care for our mother that better meets her current needs. Thank you again the valuable information and advise.” -Mary
“Dear Ms. Rosenblatt & Dr. Davis,
Thank you for your time in managing the meeting with our family. While it was challenging at times, it could not have taken place without your expertise and knowledge of elders and their families. You kept us on-track and focused on the facts to reach a positive outcome (we may have never reached a resolution on our own).
My younger sister called me and offered to get dad’s list of medications and we’ll be meeting with his physician as well. I also reached out to my other sister so we’re all moving in the right direction.
Thank you again for helping us focus on the most important thing that ties us together…our dad.” -Wendy York
“Dear AgingParents.com
I want to compliment Carolyn Rosenblatt and Dr. Davis on the newsletter you’ve been sending out to the community. It is exceptionally informative. You have provided useful tools and information to those of us working in the field of gerontology and the legal arena. I appreciate the efforts and applaud the web site.
Carolyn L. Rosenblatt, RN, BSN, Attorney,
AgingParents.com
Boomer sons and daughters may have been honoring their dads this Father’s Day. Maybe some of those dads, being in their late 70’s and their 80’s, aren’t so sharp anymore. Maybe some of them have loss of mobility, hearing losses, some trouble walking and taking care of things. Some are slowing down.
Their adult kids might be feeling a little anxious about now. How many Father’s Days do we have left?
Since we never know how many days, special days or not are left, honoring our dads is a pretty good idea any day. They all have their faults. Some were better fathers than others. Some were hard on us, some were not. Some lifted us up and some let us down. But for anyone who still has a dad, we forgive the human failings, love the good and want to hold onto it.
Some day if we’re lucky, we’ll be the elders. We’ll be the ones our kids look at and wonder how may days they’ve got left with us. For this time, this Father’s Day, my wish for you is that you focus on one good or really great thing about your own Dad, and hope you can be that. Hope that you can take one lesson that meant a lot from your father, and pass it on, live it by example, or show your offspring how it’s done.
For this Father’s Day, honor your dad or his memory by being the best thing he was, every chance you get. Remember the best, look past the worst, and in your heart, say thank you. You are you, a part of him always.
It happens every day. There is an aging parent in failing health. Maybe the problem is memory loss. Maybe it’s trouble walking, bathing, or keeping track of the checkbook.
Families all over the country are facing this because parents are living whole lot longer than they used to in past generations. When one adult child lives nearby and the others don’t, what can the caregiver do?
We think the family meeting is a good start. If you’re all on speaking terms, suggest that you meet in person, the best way. There is no substitute for a face to face meeting. If there’s difficult history or poor communication in person, perhaps a telephone conference is the next best thing.
There are free telephone conferencing services available, such as www.freeconference.com, which let all family be on the phone together at once. You can also record it and anyone who has to miss it can dial into a number and listen to the conference afterwards.
One family member is the “host”. That person gets the ball rolling by dialing into a number that the conferencing service provides at a time every family member has agreed upon, available 24/7.
Everyone else dials in to the number and then you can all hear each other. The only charge is a long distance call to the number.
The last type of family meeting we suggest is a virtual one, by email. Everyone has to be able to use a computer for this. This approach works best where there is a lot of hostility, or an especially difficult family member who may not behave well in person or on the phone.
Email meetings are still a way to suggest sharing the load, make agreements and to identify and divide the tasks related to the care of an aging loved one. It’s like muzzling the nasty tone of voice someone might have that throws you off your game.
If you’re the one who thinks you might be facing an unfair share in caring for an aging parent, consider calling a family meeting to talk about it. Write down some ideas ahead of time, and perhaps share them with everyone.
We hope this idea can work for your family. Since we help clients with family meetings, both in person and by phone, we know it can really help clear the air and keep everyone on track. We’re all aiming for the best for our aging parents.
Answer:
a. Customer’s name
b. Customer’s partial home address
c. Hotel room number
d. Check-in date and out dates
e. Customer’s credit card number and expiration date!
When you turn them in to the front desk your personal information is there for any employee to access by simply scanning the card in the hotel scanner. An employee can take a hand full of cards home and using a scanning device, access the information onto a l aptop computer and go shopping at your expense.
Simply put, hotels do not erase the information on these cards until an employee reissues the card to the next hotel guest. At that time, the new guest’s information is electronically ‘overwritten’ on the card and the previous guest’s information is erased in the overwriting process.
But until the card is rewritten for the next guest, it usually is kept in a drawer at the front desk with YOUR INFORMATION ON IT!
The bottom line is: Keep the cards, take them home with you, or destroy them. NEVER leave them behind in the room or room wastebasket, and NEVER turn them into the front desk when you check out of a room. They will not charge you for the card (it’s illegal) and you’ll be sure you are not leaving a lot of valuable personal information on it that could be easily lifted off with any simple scanning device card reader.
For the same reason, if you arrive at the airport and d iscover you still have the card key in your pocket, do not toss it in an airport trash basket. Take it home and destroy it by cutting it up, especially through the electronic information strip!
If you have a small magnet, pass it across the magnetic strip several times. Then try it in the door, it will not work. It erases everything on the card.
Information courtesy of: Metropolitan Police Service.
PLEASE FORWARD to friends and family
This is pretty good info. Never even thought about key cards containing anything other than an access code for the room!
Will You Live Out Your Life At Home?
Expert speakers’ topics will include:
• All About Home Care
• Why Do You Need Care Management?
• What Are Adult Day Programs in Marin?
• How To Best Use Local Senior Resources
SENIORS RESOURCE FORUM
When: Thursday, April 8, 2010
Time: 2:00 pm – 4:00 pm
Where: Whistlestop
930 Tamalpais
San Rafael, CA
Following the presentation, meet with our experts one-on-one with
your questions about:
• Adult Day Services
• Affordable Housing
• Estate and Medi-Cal Planning
• Family Legal Issues
• Geriatric Care Management
• Geriatric Psychological Issues
• Home Care
• Long-Term Care and Medicare Insurance
• Transportation Alternatives
• Financial Planning
Presented by the Seniors Resource Forum (Sponsored by Marinlink), a volunteer
nonprofit organization for community education
www.seniorsresourceforum.com
Reservations recommended: (415) 485-3348
Light refreshments will be served. Some parking is available.
My parents were married for 62 years. They had a good marriage and made a good life for me and my sister. Mom was very dependent on my father to do most all things around the house. She was not very mechanical or resourceful when it came to problem solving. Mom always had a rocky relationship with my older sister. So when my father died two years ago, I knew that my role with my mother was about to change. So now after raising two children, both in their twenties and living independently, I WORRY ABOUT MOM BEING ALONE. I feel sad for my mother. I want so much to relieve the pain she feels from loneliness. I feel so blessed that I have a loving wife of 28 years and two great kids. But, what do I do about Mom? I live about 500 miles away, and try to call her every day. I encourage her to continue and reach out to others, and generally she does quite well socially. However, no one can replace the lifelong companionship my father provided Mom. You know, even after working as a psychologist for over 37 years, knowing that I can’t take anyone’s pain away, I still want to do more for my wonderful mom. Anyone got some solutions for the good doctor?
