Every 6 seconds someone turns 60. That also suggests that every 60 seconds, someone’s aging parent turned 80, 85, or more.
There’s a sea of us with aging parents who are presenting all manner of challenges for us Boomers. One of the most daunting is the necessity to interface with siblings. Maybe we never got along. Maybe we’ve been estranged for a few years. Whatever it is, we find ourselves having to make decisions we never considered making.
Does Mom or Dad have enough money to live on? What about paying for help at home? Who is going to be the caregiver when an aging parent requires our involvement? There are disagreements about who makes the financial decisions. There are disagreements about what kind of care a parent needs and how it should be paid for.
We at AgingParents.com are advocates for the family meeting. We think it’s a great place to start the process of ironing out the difficulties with siblings who in one way or another share the role of addressing aging parents’ needs. Part of our work is to conduct family meetings.
Consider these alternatives:
If you and your siblings don’t do well face-to-face, try email as a start. Keep it objective and don’t personalize anything with a sibling who has never stepped up in the past. Test the waters.
If the siblings can meet by phone, that’s even better. It allows for exchange of ideas and efforts at problem-solving that can’t be done as well by email.
The best way to get everyone on board is the in-person family meeting, which can be done after any family occasion, or before, if all are willing to plan for setting the time aside. If you shudder at this thought, here’s a quick way to learn techniques to stay sane through any family meeting.
When you’ve got more confidence about this subject of dealing with your siblings, it will be easier to show some leadership in your family. Whether you parent is turning 80, 90 or beyond, you’ll know what to do.
A social worker from the Alzheimer’s Association called today, to ask about a client. Her mother has dementia. The mom doesn’t have a durable power of attorney. A crisis is looming. If your parent is no longer safe about making money decisions, or your parent is vulnerable to manipulation (these two things go together), they are creating a serious problem. If your parent loses ”financial capacity” as we call it legally, they can’t sign documents relating to money, such as loan papers, withdrawal slips from the bank, and such. You can’t sign them either unless you have been legally appointed to do that. Some people just sign their parent’s name. That’s called forgery. Don’t.
Some people have the parent sign, even though Dad has no idea what he’s signing and can barely remember how to write. That’s not safe to do legally either. What if someone accuses you of manipulation, or financial elder abuse?
I think a careful, respectful approach can work to persuade a parent to cooperate with getting this document signed. After they’ve gone too far down the road of dementia and can’t manage money anymore at all, it’s too late. That can sneak up on you. It doesn’t have a clear path, a set amount of time, or alarm bells along the way.
Here are five tips for getting your parent to cooperate with getting a durable power of attorney signed.
1. Start with you, or call on the most trusted, most respected person in your parent’s life. Another relative, a friend, the doctor, a nurse, the clergy person will all do as your allies. Decide who will make the approach. Pick a good time of day or of the week.
2. Approach your parent with respect. You’ve got to gently tell Mom it’s time to plan for the future. You’ve got to let Dad know that you don’t want anyone to rip him off. Insist very gently.
3. Suggest the right person for the job. The person who has been in financial trouble, who is not good with money, or whose motives are doubtful is NOT the one to pick to be anyone’s power of attorney for finances.
4. You’ve got to supply the document. Here’s a free one for CA you can download by clicking on this link. It will generally work in other states too, or you can likely get one free for your state, too.
5. Be sure you have a notary to go to or one who will come to your parent’s home to notarize the document. That’s essential, as having the durable power of attorney notarized makes it legally valid.
By Carolyn L. Rosenblatt, Nurse-Attorney, AgingParents.com
We see it a lot at AgingParents.com. Those family fights about spending mom or dad’s money to pay for their care. What starts them? Usually, it’s fear by one adult child or the other who thinks he or she is entitled to an inheritance. What do you mean, spending the money on Mom and not saving it for me??
Friction usually starts when the aging parent has declined in health and can no longer live alone. The cost of hiring a home care worker shocks everyone. Or perhaps a family member has been caring for Mom for free and the job is getting more and more complex. That family member wants out.
A choice has to be made: move Mom to a facility where care can be provided, or supply a paid caregiver at Mom’s home. At an average price across the country of about $11 per hour, and as much as $29 per hour for a home care worker in more expensive places, this can lead to crisis.
Whether Mom has a lot of financial assets or not, the decision to spend them for care can get a rise out of any adult child who has a sense of entitlement to money Mom was planning to leave to the kids. Some of those adult children have never done well financially themselves. They’re now in their 50’s or 60’s. They’re looking for the gravy train to save them, and it’s the inheritance.
While some aging parents can become eligible for Medicaid by intentionally impoverishing themselves to qualify to go into a nursing home, this is not a great option for very many. No one wants to go to a nursing home.
The estate planners who talk about “protecting your assets” by valid Medicaid planning have a point for certain people for whom this is appropriate. But, it’s definitely not for everyone. I’ve worked in nursing homes as an aide and as an R.N. I’ve sued them for neglect as a lawyer. I wouldn’t want to spend my last days in one if I could help it.
Although health care reform is initiating efforts to keep people at home instead of spending taxpayer dollars to put aging parents in nursing homes, this is only beginning. For the most part, if you want to “protect your assets”, you have to get poor enough by giving them away to qualify you for Medicaid.
I say let elders stay at home if that’s their choice. Making them poor so Suzy Q can get a chunk of cash when Mom passes seems unfair to me. It’s not Suzy’s money, she’s the child. I hope aging parents will take another look at the future, if they are in declining health.
Make sure your estate plan doesn’t let your kids sell the house, stash the cash legally and put you in a nursing home as long as you are aware of your surroundings. You might not like a nursing home on Medicaid as much as you like your own bed. You’d have at least one roommate, maybe two in a Medicaid nursing home bed.
So, think it over. Kids counting on an inheritance can see their hopes dashed by the need to pay for mom’s care with Mom’s assets. Getting an inheritance is something adult kids are lucky to get, not something to which they are entitled.
If greed is lurking in your family, I encourage you to have a meeting and get it straight now, before the time comes to spend Mom’s funds for her care. People are living longer than ever now. It could happen in your family. Don’t wait for a crisis.
Will You Live Out Your Life At Home?
Expert speakers’ topics will include:
• All About Home Care
• Why Do You Need Care Management?
• What Are Adult Day Programs in Marin?
• How To Best Use Local Senior Resources
SENIORS RESOURCE FORUM
When: Thursday, April 8, 2010
Time: 2:00 pm – 4:00 pm
Where: Whistlestop
930 Tamalpais
San Rafael, CA
Following the presentation, meet with our experts one-on-one with
your questions about:
• Adult Day Services
• Affordable Housing
• Estate and Medi-Cal Planning
• Family Legal Issues
• Geriatric Care Management
• Geriatric Psychological Issues
• Home Care
• Long-Term Care and Medicare Insurance
• Transportation Alternatives
• Financial Planning
Presented by the Seniors Resource Forum (Sponsored by Marinlink), a volunteer
nonprofit organization for community education
www.seniorsresourceforum.com
Reservations recommended: (415) 485-3348
Light refreshments will be served. Some parking is available.
Many of us have not seen our parents for much of the year. Now with the holidays upon us, many of us will be spending time with our aging loved ones. Sometimes we find that mom and or dad have begun to show some slipping in their day to day functioning. The direct visual awareness of our parents falling compentencies is often a wake up call to do some planning for the future. Here’s a “heads up” about our own denial: most of us cope with difficult or unpleasant realities by using denial. That is, we pretend. We make excuses. They don’t have a memory loss problem, they’re just tired. We overlook, ignore, and even use what psychologists call “magical thinking”. It doesn’t exist. Our parent isn’t failing in health, they’re just having a bad day.
The visit to parents is an opportunity. You can see, first hand, how they’re getting along. You have a chance to bring up any concerns in a gentle and respectful way, after the party is over and when things are a little quieter. I’m urging our readers to think about a visit as a chance to do some planning ahead while you are face to face with your elders. Do yourself a favor this holiday season. Take the time to talk about what might happen over time, when most elders need some kind of help. Sadly, most people wait for a crisis to do any planning, and then, it can be too late to get documents signed, get the information you need to help you with decision-making, and go forward with what you parent wants. There’s a rule of thumb that you can follow: if your parent is in his or her 70′s or older, and you’re in your 40′s or older, now’s the time for the talk.
Be sure you ask about where your parents want to age as they possibly need help with everyday activities. If they say they want to stay at home, as most people prefer, talk about money. How will they pay for help at home? Who will provide it? Are the legal documents in place, such as durable power of attorney and healthcare directive (also called proxy)? Does your family know who will be in charge of making decisions if your parents are incapacitated?
All this may not feel so festive, but it’s certainly necessary. It’s a season of peace. Good information and taking the responsibility to start the conversation about these issues can bring peace of mind to all.
Sometimes I am astounded by the situations we encounter as consultants being asked for advice. Elders losing mental capacity and being at risk for financial abuse are recurring themes.
Take this real situation, in a question I recently answered in response to an anonymous person. The location is unknown, but it could be anywhere. It seems that Dad was declared incompetent three years ago. He attends a senior center in his town several days a week. A woman there has been giving him lots of attention and the family is worried. She may not be in the U.S. legally. Her interest seems to come from ulterior motives. Dad has money. He has been financially abused before, and the family is aware of the problem.
The family is worried about what to do because the woman is now persuading Dad to do things with her outside the senior center. They all think she’s after his finances. Here’s the astonishing part: the Dad, incompetent and financially abused in the past more than once, still has access to his checking account and his money market accounts! What are they thinking?
My advice was the obvious: immediately cut off his access to the checking account and money market account. They would need to do this via a durable power of attorney. I am hoping this family had him sign one before he became incompetent. If not, it may be too late. You can’t legally sign documents when you’re incompetent. If they blew it, and never got this done, they have only one choice to protect Dad from a financial predator, and that is guardianship, also called conservatorship. It requires going to court. It’s expensive. It’s a lot of trouble. In Dad’s case, it might be the only thing left that could keep him from financial disaster.
I had a lot of trouble understanding how a family with a Dad in that condition could let him keep using his money freely, knowing he couldn’t make competent decisions. Maybe he has so much money no one cares, but that would be very unusual. It is financial abuse waiting to happen, and it ‘s not the first time.
Is the family in denial about what financial incompetence means? Are they afraid of Dad? Are they all such wimps that they can’t simply step up and take responsibility? I’m not sure, but this is not the first time I have been asked about this, and in a similar situation.
Financial abuse is estimated to cost our elders $2.6 billion per year. We hope that is enough to get everyone’s attention. Here’s what adult children need to know to keep this from happening to you and your loved ones.
1. Have a durable power of attorney signed by your aging parent now, while he/she is still competent. If you don’t know how to do this, start with your local Agency on Aging, and ask for a referral to the right help.
2. When Mom/Dad starts to slip mentally, is declared incompetent by a doctor, or otherwise shows signs of being unable to make safe financial decisions, take charge and don’t hesitate. It’s what loving and responsible children do for their aging parents. Use that power of attorney and take over. That’s what the document is for. Protect her or him from being a victim of abuse.
3. If you are reading this when your elder is already incompetent, and wouldn’t know what he’s signing, forget trying to get a power of attorney. It’s no longer legal to get a signature on something an elder can’t understand anymore. You have to see an attorney and get a guardianship/conservatorship.
If writing this saves one single person from being ripped off, I would be very happy. I am urging everyone with aging loved ones to take a hard look at your own parents. Your denial or theirs about their vulnerability carries too high a price.
We’ve all seen it. The middle-aged son who can’t quite get it together to work and lives with his mother. This has nothing to do with the economy, as it’s been going on since before there were these economic times. Or, there’s the son, or daughter, or grandchild who lives with mom, and mom keeps supporting him or her. Worse yet, the freeloading family member never pays rent, or pays anything and mom tolerates that.
Then, there’s the “help yourself to the checkbook” mentality, or the “I just need a loan for awhile” line. What makes these financial freeloaders? How are these situations created and maintained?
Here at AgingParents.com, with a combination of psychology expertise and legal and nursing expertise, we see it as a co-dependency problem. The elder has fallen into the habit of “helping” the dependent adult child when the adult child or grandchild is actually quite capable of working full time, and contributing to his or her own support. Maybe mom or grandma needs to be needed. Maybe this allows or enables the adult child to simply not bother taking responsibility for his or her own support.
It starts to unravel when the elder begins to need help in the home or is running out of financial assets. People are living longer than ever, and many need help toward the end of their lives. That help can be very expensive. Home care workers can charge as much as $30 per hour, though the national average is somewhere around $11 per hour. Many elders can’t afford this cost.
Will the financial freeloader step up and care for mom when help is needed? After all, he or she has been getting a free ride in mom’s home for some time.
Sometimes the adult living with the elder does provide some care. Sometimes the care is insufficient. Sometimes, there’s no care, and the freeloader feels put upon if asked by other family to step up. What can be done in those cases, where more is needed than the adult child can or will give mom?
A family meeting with all involved is in order. Limits need to be set. The elder’s safety, health, and financial security must take priority. Sometimes, the freeloader needs to be kicked out. In other instances, an agreement to work for the elder in exchange for staying in the elder’s home can be reached. Professional help may be required for these situations, as they can be contentious. A mediator is a likely choice for that professional help. Otherwise, the elder’s accountant, financial advisor, clergy person, or lawyer may need to meet with the family and lay out the financial problem in black and white.
If this scenario, or one something like it sounds like your family, we at AgingParents.com urge you to get help with fixing it. The elder in your family does not deserve to be impoverished at someone else’s expense, or left in an unsafe condition because of a freeloader.
For further information about this problem, contact us at AgingParents.com
Now with the holidays upon us, many of us will be spending time with our aging loved ones. Sometimes we find that mom and or dad have begun to show some slipping in their day to day functioning. The direct visual awareness of our parents falling compentencies is often a wake up call to do some planning for the future. Here’s a “heads up” about our own denial: most of us cope with difficult or unpleasant realities by using denial. That is, we pretend. We make excuses. They don’t have a memory loss problem, they’re just tired. We overlook, ignore, and even use what psychologists call “magical thinking”. It doesn’t exist. Our parent isn’t failing in health, they’re just having a bad day.
