Every 6 seconds someone turns 60. That also suggests that every 60 seconds, someone’s aging parent turned 80, 85, or more.
There’s a sea of us with aging parents who are presenting all manner of challenges for us Boomers. One of the most daunting is the necessity to interface with siblings. Maybe we never got along. Maybe we’ve been estranged for a few years. Whatever it is, we find ourselves having to make decisions we never considered making.
Does Mom or Dad have enough money to live on? What about paying for help at home? Who is going to be the caregiver when an aging parent requires our involvement? There are disagreements about who makes the financial decisions. There are disagreements about what kind of care a parent needs and how it should be paid for.
We at AgingParents.com are advocates for the family meeting. We think it’s a great place to start the process of ironing out the difficulties with siblings who in one way or another share the role of addressing aging parents’ needs. Part of our work is to conduct family meetings.
Consider these alternatives:
If you and your siblings don’t do well face-to-face, try email as a start. Keep it objective and don’t personalize anything with a sibling who has never stepped up in the past. Test the waters.
If the siblings can meet by phone, that’s even better. It allows for exchange of ideas and efforts at problem-solving that can’t be done as well by email.
The best way to get everyone on board is the in-person family meeting, which can be done after any family occasion, or before, if all are willing to plan for setting the time aside. If you shudder at this thought, here’s a quick way to learn techniques to stay sane through any family meeting.
When you’ve got more confidence about this subject of dealing with your siblings, it will be easier to show some leadership in your family. Whether you parent is turning 80, 90 or beyond, you’ll know what to do.
My parents were married for 62 years. They had a good marriage and made a good life for me and my sister. Mom was very dependent on my father to do most all things around the house. She was not very mechanical or resourceful when it came to problem solving. Mom always had a rocky relationship with my older sister. So when my father died two years ago, I knew that my role with my mother was about to change. So now after raising two children, both in their twenties and living independently, I WORRY ABOUT MOM BEING ALONE. I feel sad for my mother. I want so much to relieve the pain she feels from loneliness. I feel so blessed that I have a loving wife of 28 years and two great kids. But, what do I do about Mom? I live about 500 miles away, and try to call her every day. I encourage her to continue and reach out to others, and generally she does quite well socially. However, no one can replace the lifelong companionship my father provided Mom. You know, even after working as a psychologist for over 37 years, knowing that I can’t take anyone’s pain away, I still want to do more for my wonderful mom. Anyone got some solutions for the good doctor?
A social worker from the Alzheimer’s Association called today, to ask about a client. Her mother has dementia. The mom doesn’t have a durable power of attorney. A crisis is looming. If your parent is no longer safe about making money decisions, or your parent is vulnerable to manipulation (these two things go together), they are creating a serious problem. If your parent loses ”financial capacity” as we call it legally, they can’t sign documents relating to money, such as loan papers, withdrawal slips from the bank, and such. You can’t sign them either unless you have been legally appointed to do that. Some people just sign their parent’s name. That’s called forgery. Don’t.
Some people have the parent sign, even though Dad has no idea what he’s signing and can barely remember how to write. That’s not safe to do legally either. What if someone accuses you of manipulation, or financial elder abuse?
I think a careful, respectful approach can work to persuade a parent to cooperate with getting this document signed. After they’ve gone too far down the road of dementia and can’t manage money anymore at all, it’s too late. That can sneak up on you. It doesn’t have a clear path, a set amount of time, or alarm bells along the way.
Here are five tips for getting your parent to cooperate with getting a durable power of attorney signed.
1. Start with you, or call on the most trusted, most respected person in your parent’s life. Another relative, a friend, the doctor, a nurse, the clergy person will all do as your allies. Decide who will make the approach. Pick a good time of day or of the week.
2. Approach your parent with respect. You’ve got to gently tell Mom it’s time to plan for the future. You’ve got to let Dad know that you don’t want anyone to rip him off. Insist very gently.
3. Suggest the right person for the job. The person who has been in financial trouble, who is not good with money, or whose motives are doubtful is NOT the one to pick to be anyone’s power of attorney for finances.
4. You’ve got to supply the document. Here’s a free one for CA you can download by clicking on this link. It will generally work in other states too, or you can likely get one free for your state, too.
5. Be sure you have a notary to go to or one who will come to your parent’s home to notarize the document. That’s essential, as having the durable power of attorney notarized makes it legally valid.
If your aging parent was married for most of his or her life, has lost a spouse and is now living alone, it creates new responsibility for us, the adult children. The spouse who died may have been the one who handled all the finances. Or perhaps the one surviving doesn’t know how to cook or clean house.
We at AgingParents.com have been through this and we’re still finding out what it takes to keep an 88 year old mom safe and engaged. My Dad passed away after 62 years of marriage to my Mom. I’m the only son. I have a sister, but the task of teaching and watching over Mom has largely fallen to me and my wife, partner at AgingParents.com, Carolyn.
Though we had not been in the habit of talking on the phone more often than every two weeks or so, the first thing I did was change that. I call Mom almost every day to check in. She often has questions. I answer them, offer suggestions, give her different ideas.
It’s a small thing, really, but it makes a big difference. Mom is happier and more secure. I guess in some ways, I’ve filled the role my Dad used to play in helping lead the way with decisions and helping her figure a lot of things out. I don’t mind helping her and the time it takes isn’t all that much.
So, here’s Dr. Davis’ basic tip for anyone whose aging parent is widowed and now living alone for the first time. Call every day. Ask if she needs help with anything. Find out what activities she’s doing and make suggestions she can follow to stay busy. Offer her the news of your day, your kids’ day or whatever is of interest to you. It’s the contact that counts, not necessarily the content of what is said.
You can do something to reduce feelings of loneliness in your aging parent by making the time for that daily phone call. A few minutes of your time and attention is a gift worth giving. It can brighten your mom or dad’s day with little effort on your part.
We spent the last week with my 88 year old Mom, taking her on vacation with us. You might wonder what it’s like taking an aging parent on vacation. Is it going to be a lot of trouble? What if something goes wrong? Can she handle the level of activity?
My mom firmly believed that she couldn’t handle the altitude of a trip to the mountains. Lake Tahoe, CA is over 6000 feet above sea level. She hadn’t been there in years, and had never traveled there with us.
Since Dad passed away two years ago, I’ve tried to do the right thing for my Mom. I’m the only son, and that’s a special role. Fortunately, my wife and partner at AgingParents.com, Carolyn, was willing to help me talk my Mom into the idea of going with us to Lake Tahoe.
Carolyn has a nursing background, so she suggested that if Mom had trouble with breathing in the altitude, she would get her a portable oxygen tank and that should take care of it. Carolyn is very persuasive, also being a lawyer. Mom said “OK”. We went, spent a wonderful and fun week, and Mom enjoyed it to the max. No breathing trouble at all!
Yes, it was a little more trouble to include her in our trip. It wasn’t all that much effort though. We just slowed down the pace and made sure to watch out for her.
When your Mom is 88, you never know how many vacations she’s got left in her. We really believe in trying to take advantage of her mobility, her clear mind, and her willingness to take a chance on trying something new. She’s not a perfect parent, but I never focus on that. I focus on keeping the quality of her life high, and seeing that she has something to look forward to in her life. She’s lonely without Dad.
I want us all to come from a place of kindness. We have to set aside the past when we experience this last part of life’s journey with our aging parents. Forgive their faults, try to bring out the best in them. Be an antidote to their lonely days or nights for a bit.
I believe we’ll never regret doing right by them, even if it’s a difficult task.
I feel satisfied knowing that I’ve created a lovely week for my Mom. She had fun. She felt loved and secure with her family. What’s more important than that?
By Carolyn L. Rosenblatt, nurse-attorney, AgingParents.com
Here at AgingParents.com, we’re seeing this problem over and over. Adult children contact us, worried about an aging parent who is declining mentally, physically, or both. They’ve just gotten around to dealing with it, and they’re lost. Signs of alarm have been there for years.
We’re always glad to assist by giving them personal advice and guidance about what to do, from the perspective of a nurse-attorney and psychologist, but we wonder. What will happen in our society to provide this needed information? Families don’t know how to manage the problems aging parents get when they live so long.
Here’s a typical scenario we heard about today :
Adult daughter calls to ask for help. The family doesn’t know what to do with mom. Mom refuses all help. She lives alone and has been going downhill since dad died about 3 years before. Now, she seems to be getting paranoid. She’s not able to be independent anymore, but she thinks she can live alone.
I ask, “ Is there a durable power of attorney?” “Who’s in charge?” Well, no, no one’s in charge they say. And I am trying to wrap my mind around why four adult children, three of whom live nearby, have not done the most basic of things to protect mom legally.
We’ll be able to help these siblings with their aging parent problems by having a family meeting and doing some strategizing. At least they’ll have a direction when we’re done. But, how sad that they have waited until this crisis, when mom is so debilitated that she is hard to work with and less cooperative than before. The stress could have been lessened with one simple document.
Right after dad passed away would have been the ideal time to move forward and get her to sign a durable power of attorney. No one did. At AgingParents.com, Dr. Davis will likely do an evaluation of mom for dementia, to help everyone learn about just what we’re working with here. Then, the family can plan accordingly.
Make a note to yourself, boomers: when mom or dad becomes a widow, you’ve got to move fairly soon to be certain that some plan is in place for the other aging parent. The basics always include a durable power of attorney for finances.
Someone reliable has to be able to step in if your aging parent loses the capacity to make safe money decisions. Don’t wait until he or she is barely able to function, gets totally paranoid or has dementia. Find out your solutions in a minibook, How to Handle Money for Aging Loved Ones.
See What Some Of Our Subscribers & Clients Have Said About Us . . .
“The support and solid advice I’ve been given these last 4 very long years of dealing with a difficult sibling and a dear mother with declining and debilitating dementia helped to keep me able to deal with the many challenges that I’ve had to face. Believe me it is a mine field.
With Mikol and Carolyn, it has made such a difference in figuring out and deciding how to proceed and ended up with me realizing my own strength in the process.
Hard lessons I came to terms with and continue with daily and on many levels. Thank you both so much!”
-Susan B.
“Carolyn and Dr Davis are experts in the field of mediation. I have personally witnessed their work with elderly clients and their families. Through their expertise and detailed inquiry they were able to assist the client and their children through a difficult process.”-E. Tina Chepick RN GCM (Geriatric Care Manager, RN)
“Carolyn was one of Gilbert Guide’s expert columnists during my tenure as managing editor. Not only was I impressed by the breadth and depth of her expertise—on an array of senior-related topics ranging from senior driving to home care—but I was also pleased to discover such a strong writing talent. Being a registered nurse and an attorney, Carolyn has a unique background that lends itself to senior advocacy, but what really makes her stand out is not simply her knowledge and experience; it’s that she’s creative, business-savvy, rigorous in her pursuit of justice, and tireless, as she’s constantly searching for new avenues of helping others. She’s also a joy to work with. I recommend her highly.” -Nikki Jong, Editor Gilbert Guide
“I am always blown away with the way you can cut things to the chase and see what is really going on. It is very hard for me to focus and not get caught up in all the details and miss seeing the clear picture. I have learned a lot about myself from your feedback.” -Mary C. (Recent Client)
“My 80 year old mother has early stage Alzheimer’s Disease, yet STILL has very clear ideas of her own! What a pleasure to work with caring professionals willing to make the effort to really listen to her, to her concerns and wishes – as well as advising me in my role as caretaker, healthcare proxy and power of attorney. With the huge workload and responsibilities of care-taking, (plus pressures from both immediate and extended family,) I can’t imagine how we’d manage without the ongoing support and guidance my mother and I receive from Ms. Rosenblatt and Dr. Davis. Thank you, both.”-Jessica C. (Recent Client)
“I talked to seven different lawyers in trying to figure out what kind of help to get for my father. No one seemed to be able to really tell me what I needed. Carolyn, you were the most practical of anyone. You were amazingly helpful.”-Jane H., MD
“I really didn’t know what to do with my crazy sister. She was making my life miserable. I was so relieved when you told me what to say to her in the letter you helped me write. I was worried that she was going to kidnap my mom and it would be so dangerous with her Alzheimer’s. We finally worked it out, and she isn’t giving us any trouble anymore. Mom is stable now.”-Linda H.
“Dear Ms. Rosenblatt & Dr. Davis:… After talking to some of the care managers you recommended, my sisters and I met with Michele Boudinot yesterday. We liked her very much and feel that she will be able to help us set up care for our mother that better meets her current needs. Thank you again the valuable information and advise.” -Mary
“Dear Ms. Rosenblatt & Dr. Davis,
Thank you for your time in managing the meeting with our family. While it was challenging at times, it could not have taken place without your expertise and knowledge of elders and their families. You kept us on-track and focused on the facts to reach a positive outcome (we may have never reached a resolution on our own).
My younger sister called me and offered to get dad’s list of medications and we’ll be meeting with his physician as well. I also reached out to my other sister so we’re all moving in the right direction.
Thank you again for helping us focus on the most important thing that ties us together…our dad.” -Wendy York
“Dear AgingParents.com
I want to compliment Carolyn Rosenblatt and Dr. Davis on the newsletter you’ve been sending out to the community. It is exceptionally informative. You have provided useful tools and information to those of us working in the field of gerontology and the legal arena. I appreciate the efforts and applaud the web site.
By Carolyn L. Rosenblatt, Nurse-Attorney, AgingParents.com
We see it a lot at AgingParents.com. Those family fights about spending mom or dad’s money to pay for their care. What starts them? Usually, it’s fear by one adult child or the other who thinks he or she is entitled to an inheritance. What do you mean, spending the money on Mom and not saving it for me??
Friction usually starts when the aging parent has declined in health and can no longer live alone. The cost of hiring a home care worker shocks everyone. Or perhaps a family member has been caring for Mom for free and the job is getting more and more complex. That family member wants out.
A choice has to be made: move Mom to a facility where care can be provided, or supply a paid caregiver at Mom’s home. At an average price across the country of about $11 per hour, and as much as $29 per hour for a home care worker in more expensive places, this can lead to crisis.
Whether Mom has a lot of financial assets or not, the decision to spend them for care can get a rise out of any adult child who has a sense of entitlement to money Mom was planning to leave to the kids. Some of those adult children have never done well financially themselves. They’re now in their 50’s or 60’s. They’re looking for the gravy train to save them, and it’s the inheritance.
While some aging parents can become eligible for Medicaid by intentionally impoverishing themselves to qualify to go into a nursing home, this is not a great option for very many. No one wants to go to a nursing home.
The estate planners who talk about “protecting your assets” by valid Medicaid planning have a point for certain people for whom this is appropriate. But, it’s definitely not for everyone. I’ve worked in nursing homes as an aide and as an R.N. I’ve sued them for neglect as a lawyer. I wouldn’t want to spend my last days in one if I could help it.
Although health care reform is initiating efforts to keep people at home instead of spending taxpayer dollars to put aging parents in nursing homes, this is only beginning. For the most part, if you want to “protect your assets”, you have to get poor enough by giving them away to qualify you for Medicaid.
I say let elders stay at home if that’s their choice. Making them poor so Suzy Q can get a chunk of cash when Mom passes seems unfair to me. It’s not Suzy’s money, she’s the child. I hope aging parents will take another look at the future, if they are in declining health.
Make sure your estate plan doesn’t let your kids sell the house, stash the cash legally and put you in a nursing home as long as you are aware of your surroundings. You might not like a nursing home on Medicaid as much as you like your own bed. You’d have at least one roommate, maybe two in a Medicaid nursing home bed.
So, think it over. Kids counting on an inheritance can see their hopes dashed by the need to pay for mom’s care with Mom’s assets. Getting an inheritance is something adult kids are lucky to get, not something to which they are entitled.
If greed is lurking in your family, I encourage you to have a meeting and get it straight now, before the time comes to spend Mom’s funds for her care. People are living longer than ever now. It could happen in your family. Don’t wait for a crisis.
