Are holiday family gatherings stressing you out?
Learn some proven ways to combat stress from Carolyn and Mikol, psychologist, nurse-lawyer team.
Webinar on Managing Family Conflict
Our free, 30 minute webinar is packed with solid advice to help you prevent that headache you always get this time of year.
Whether it’s all the work, specific people or your aging parents that get to you most, we’ve got some strategies to help you handle it better than ever before.
Make this season one you go through in a calmer, smarter way because you have a plan in mind. Learn it now-you’ll be glad you did.
If this is a problem you are having, remember that AgingParents.com is there to lend you a hand. A brief strategy session to size up your problem is complimentary. Click HERE
May you all enjoy respite from the hectic days ahead and find some time to care for yourself.
Hello, again. Carolyn and Mikol here.
Hope all of you had a chance to enjoy your Thanksgiving and that the rest of your holidays go well.
We’re looking forward to spending some time with Mikol’s Mom, Alice, over the holidays. She just got back from a cruise to Hawaii with Mikol’s sister. Spry 89 year old, she is! She’ll be here in two weeks.
Meanwhile, we wanted to share a story with you about a real and shocking situation.
Our client’s 88 year old Dad was arrested for getting upset during the night and hitting his wife, 85. She called the police. The Mom was wandering about and babbling and kept waking up Dad. Whether he lost it because he, himself has dementia is not clear. The police chose not to put him in jail, but sent him to a residential hotel.
His daughters had no power of attorney, there was no trustee and no release for them to consult with a doctor about him. Both Dad and Mom refused to sign any legal papers whatsoever. Now that the crisis hit, something had to be done.
With our help, Dad was finally persuaded to sign a Durable Power of Attorney and release of information for the doctor, and a health care directive. His older daughter can finally take over and manage his life now. He won’t be allowed to go home. He’s been charged with battery and elder abuse.
We have a lot of work ahead. Mom has still not signed anything. She’s alone and forgot to turn off the stove last week. She almost started a fire. She’s an entirely different problem. Imagine the burden on her kids.
We’re sharing this with you because so many of you have difficult aging loved ones or you know someone who does. If they won’t plan and won’t even talk about it, it’s time to reach out and get some help.
From this case, we see that caring professionals in your life can turn the tide of feeling helpless and lost. One parent in this nightmare can now be assessed, managed and kept safe! We’re working on the other one.
If this is a problem you are having, remember that AgingParents.com is there to lend you a hand with stubborn parents. A brief strategy session to size up your problem is complimentary.
May you all enjoy respite from the hectic days ahead and find some time to care for yourself.
Best to you,
Carolyn and Mikol
Hello, again. Carolyn and Mikol here. Hope all of you had a chance to enjoy your Thanksgiving and that the rest of your holidays go well.
We’re looking forward to spending some time with Mikol’s Mom, Alice, over the holidays. She just got back from a cruise to Hawaii with Mikol’s sister. Spry 89 year old, she is! She’ll be here in two weeks
Meanwhile, we wanted to share a story with you about a real and shocking situation.
Our client’s 88 year old Dad was arrested for getting upset during the night and hitting his wife, 85.
She called the police
The Mom was wandering about and babbling and kept waking up Dad. Whether he lost it because he, himself has dementia is not clear. The police chose not to put him in jail, but sent him to a residential hotel.
His daughters had no power of attorney, there was no trustee and no release for them to consult with a doctor about him. Both Dad and Mom refused to sign any legal papers whatsoever. Now that the crisis hit, something had to be done.
With our help, Dad was finally persuaded to sign a Durable Power of Attorney and release of information for the doctor, and a health care directive. His older daughter can finally take over and manage his life now. He won’t be allowed to go home. He’s been charged with battery and elder abuse.
We have a lot of work ahead. Mom has still not signed anything. She’s alone and forgot to turn off the stove last week. She almost started a fire. She’s an entirely different problem. Imagine the burden on her kids.
We’re sharing this with you because so many of you have difficult aging loved ones or you know someone who does. If they won’t plan and won’t even talk about it, it’s time to reach out and get some help.
From this case, we see that caring professionals in your life can turn the tide of feeling helpless and lost. One parent in this nightmare can now be assessed, managed and kept safe! We’re working on the other one.
If this is a problem you are having, remember that AgingParents.com is there to lend you a hand with stubborn parents. A brief strategy session to size up your problem is complimentary. Click HERE
May you all enjoy respite from the hectic days ahead and find some time to care for yourself.
Please join Carolyn and myself in our upcoming Webinar on critical information to improve your relationships with your Aging Parents.
If you ever feel that an unfair burden is being put on you by your situation and that you are the only person really willing to do the hard work of keeping your aging loved one safe…
And if there is there someone in your family who is making you frustrated about what they are doing regarding your parent’s situation….
Then this will be an incredibly important event for you to be a part of.
The strategies we will be showing you can change how you see everything about your situation with your aging parent, your family, and even yourself.
Imagine . . .
◆ Getting rid of guilt that you are not doing enough for your aging parent
◆ Completely calming family conflict
◆ Being at ease with communications that previously made you anxious
◆ Being confident about the future and absolutely certain about what to do next
◆ Feeling your own power in your family as a true leader
If you are ready to discover your own power in your family and begin to build a better connection with your aging parent that will allow you to TAKE CONTROL of the situation BEFORE a crisis hits…
Your email address and personal information will be used by the Webinar organizer to communicate with you about this event and their other services. To review the Webinar organizer’s privacy policy or opt out of their other communications, contact the Webinar organizer directly.
Safeguarding your email address and Webinar registration information is taken seriously at GoToWebinar. GoToWebinar will not sell or rent this information.
We want to do this as a way to give back and say thank you for being a part of our agingparents.com family.
So, if you ever feel that an unfair burden is being put on you by your situation and that you are the only person really willing to do the hard
work of keeping your aging loved one safe… And if there is there someone in your family who is making you frustrated about what they are doing regarding your parent’s situation? Then this will be an incredibly important event for you to be a part of! The strategies we will be showing you can change how you see everything about your situation with your aging parent, your family, and even yourself…
When I get old, I hope you understand ‘n have patience with me
In case I break the plate, or spill soup on the table because I’m losing my eyesight,
I hope you don’t yell at me.
Older people are sensitive, always having self pity when you yell.
When my hearing gets worse ‘n I can’t
hear what you’re saying, I hope you
don’t call me ‘Deaf!’
Please repeat what you said or write it
down.
I’m sorry, my child.
I’m getting older.
When my knees get weaker, I hope you have the patience to help me get up.
Like how I used to help you while you
were little, learning how to walk. Please bear with me, when I keep
repeating myself like a broken record, I hope you just keep listening to me.
Please don’t make fun of me, or get sick of listening to me.
Do you remember when you were little ‘n you wanted a ballon?
You repeated yourself over ‘n over until you get what you wanted.
Please also pardon my smell. I smell like an old person.
Please don’t force me to shower.
My body is weak.
Old people get sick easily when they’re
cold. I hope I don’t gross you out.
Do you remember when you were little? I
used to chase you around because you
didn’t want to shower.
I hope you can be patient with me when
I’m always cranky. It’s all part of getting
old. You’ll understand when you’re older.
‘n if you have spare time, I hope we can
talk even for a few minutes.
I’m always all by myself all the time, ‘n
have no one to talk to.
I know you’re busy with work. Even if you’re not interested in my
stories, please have time for me. Do you remember when you were little? I
used to listen to your stories about your
teddy bear.
When the time comes, ‘n I get ill ‘n
bedridden, I hope you have the patience
to take care of me. I’m sorry if I accidentally wet the bed or
make a mess.
I hope you have the patience to take
care of me during the last few moments
of my life.
I’m not going to last much longer, anyway.
When the time of my death comes, I
hope you hold my hand ‘n give me
strength to face death. ‘n don’t worry..
When I finally meet our creator, I will
whisper in his ear to bless you. Because
you loved your Mom ‘n Dad.
I’m hearing this same painful thing a lot lately.
Aging parents who have “early dementia” are refusing help and verbally abusing their adult kids who are trying to help.
In all these situations, the aging parent was a controlling type person before dementia developed. It could have been a business owner, a professor, a CFO of a corporation. The nearby adult child is is trying hard to protect mom or dad from himself or herself. The parent is uncooperative. In fact, in all these cases, the parent has turned on the very person who is trying to supervise, protect or otherwise do the right thing for Mom or Dad.
“You’re stealing from me!” is an accusation the adult children are hearing. (It’s not true in these cases. to which I’m referring) “You don’t care about me, you’re just trying to lock me up!” is another accusation.
This could be you. When your aging parent turns paranoid, accusatory, abusive and unreasonable, what can you do?
For the millions of adult children and spouses of loved ones with dementia, this scenario is real. Money is a focal issue, as your aging parent so often believes that someone is stealing his money. If there is a Durable Power of Attorney the parent signed some time ago, your parent becomes enraged and cancels it. (Unfortunately, until declared incompetent, they can revoke a DPOA).
Or, if they’re getting in trouble with money and the adult child tries to persuade them to sign a DPOA, they refuse. The parent is at risk for being ripped off because of poor judgment about money.
I’ll share with you the advice I’m giving to these exhausted adult children at AgingParents.com. It’s not easy, but we all have to have a plan in these very challenging situations. First, try to get cooperation from your aging parent’s doctor. Because of confidentiality, the doctor can’t discuss your parent’s medical affairs without your parent’s permission. If you don’t have permission, you can still communicate with the doctor, even if he/she can’t respond. You can write to him or her.
I encourage adult children to jointly write a letter to the doctor explaining your concerns. E.g., “we’re all worried about Dad because he is verbally abusive, has made many mistakes with money lately and his behavior is erratic. Give an example or several. Have all involved sign the letter. The doctor is now on notice of the problem and may request an appropriate evaluation. The doctor may be more persuasive than family in getting your elderly parent to accept help.
Second, if your aging parent is not only refusing help but is clearly unable to care for himself or herself, you can call a family meeting and brainstorm about the best way to approach your parent. Two heads really are better than one. One adult child may be able to get through to Mom better than anyone and it’s worth a try to make that person the kids’ emissary. If everyone in the family and perhaps a best friend is willing to approach your parent, you may be able to get your parent to accept that help is necessary.
Third, if your parent is in danger with extreme self-neglect and he or she has alienated the family with abusive behavior, you can contact your local adult protective services, part of the social services department. Report the self-neglect. Be specific about what you see at your parent’s home.
A social worker can investigate and sometimes, if your parent is truly a danger to himself, the county where your parent lives can begin guardianship proceedings. Contact your Area Agency on Aging for information if you’re not sure where to start. A guardianship attorney is a good source of information about this problem.
A word to you if you’re at your wit’s end with your aging parent: being a good daughter or son or other relative doesn’t mean you must wear a target on your back. You don’t have to tolerate continued mistreatment. Some aging parents can’t be managed by family. That’s ok. Professionals can do a better job with these extremely difficult aging parents who are just too much for you.
Your own health and peace of mind is every bit as important as your parents’ care. Separate yourself from whatever is causing you harm and let others care for your loved one.
And thank yourself for having the courage to admit your limitations.
Until next time,
Carolyn Rosenblatt,
AgingParents.com
Alice knows. She’s 89 and she works at her health. She is a widow and lives alone.
My husband and I just spent some time visiting my mother in law, Alice, and we were pleased to see that she is taking such good care of herself. We are among the lucky ones, as Alice has no cognitive problems. She still drives. I got in the car with her and did my “ride along assessment“. She’s still safe.
She keeps track of her many medications and takes them exactly as prescribed. She gets on the treadmill for 25 minutes every morning. She eats what’s good for her. Her weight is normal. She doesn’t smoke. She drinks very moderately. She does her pool exercises.
Alice understands that being healthy as an 89 year old takes a lot of vigilance and work. What I respect is that she is willing to do the work. She’s been having some trouble with leg pain, which was diagnosed as a problem with the fibrous band along the side of the thigh (“IT band”). It probably started years ago when she had both knees replaced. As it affected her walking, she asked a doctor for some advice.
He suggested physical therapy, along with some stretches she can do at home. She got right to it. She got out of the car after the appointment and was doing the stretches as she waited while my husband and I stopped at a coffee place. As we walked back, cups in hand, we saw Mom, standing by the car, one hand on it for balance, bending forward with legs crossed as directed, and working at her stretches already. Go, Alice!
Alice is determined to remain independent. She was married for 62 years and misses her husband terribly. But, she plays cards with friends, takes two classes each year at the local university extension, and reaches out to people. She makes an effort to address her lonely times. She learned to use a computer at age 86, with my patient husband teaching her.
Every day, a friend of hers sends out jokes by email and Alice reads them and laughs. She’s a pretty good joke teller, too. And if she needs information, she googles it, just like we do.
She loves her Kindle. She reads a lot and thinks it’s the greatest invention ever.
Life for Alice is not perfect, but it’s pretty good indeed. She’s planning a cruise for the family to join her for her 90th birthday celebration next year.
What can the rest of us learn from all this? We can see that there is wisdom in the prediction that “we can prevent about 80 percent of heart disease, about 90 percent of diabetes, and about 70 percent of stroke if we make the right food choices, get physical activity and don’t smoke.”
Those are the words of Walter Willett, chair of the nutrition department at the Harvard School of Public Health in Boston and professor of medicine at the Harvard Medical School. Alice is proving him right.
Alice just got back from a checkup with the doctor. She reports that her blood work is normal and other health measures are all looking good. She’s going to do a course of physical therapy for the leg pain. She’ll fit it in between social events and her date with a new guy she met recently.
An elderly couple walked into the lobby of the Mayo Clinic for a checkup and spotted a piano. They’ve been married for 62 years and he’ll be 90 this year. Check out this impromptu performance. We are only as old as we feel, it’s all attitude. Enjoy! They certainly do!
Should you or shouldn’t you? Seems as if someone is always promoting the purchase of long term care insurance.
Most of us don’t want to think about getting old and needing anything like that. If we ever think about it, it’s a thing we want to defer until later.
The insurance industry really wants our premium dollars and has done extensive research and aggressive marketing to get us, especially Boomers, to buy these products. Do we need it? Is it worth the cost?
I am not connected to the insurance industry and have no affiliation with any company. I endorse no products. I do not speak for anyone else. I am a consumer, and I’m in the business of consulting with elders and their families. I help them figure out what to do with their aging loved ones. Because the cost of care for aging parents kept coming up so often, I needed to know more about long term care insurance. So, I set about finding out as much as I thought would be helpful for me in my role as advisor.
I talked to brokers. I read literature. I compared costs. I talked to my own clients about how much it costs them to care for spouses, parents, and other relatives at home or in assisted living or nursing homes.
At the risk of annoying some who are in the industry, I am providing my opinions here.
Here’s my take:
Generally, unless you have a very large amount in liquid assets squirreled away and you don’t mind spending a significant chunk of it on long term care for yourself, and spouse, partner, or disabled other loved one, long term care insurance is a good thing.
I say that only because we just don’t have any other resource to pay for help at home, assisted living or nursing home care. Most of us wouldn’t be happy paying out a six figure bill in cash each year for long term care.
Medicare doesn’t cover long term care of the “custodial” variety most people need in the long run. The U.S. Department of Health reports that 70% of people who reach age 65 will need long term care services at some point in their lives.
Health insurance does not cover long term care either. That leaves you, your savings and your retirement income to pay for it for as long at it takes.
My friend’s mother has had dementia for 13 years. She and her sister pay out of pocket each month to support their mom, at an annual cost of over $100,000 per year. How long does it take to burn through a million dollars at that rate? Physically, mom is in pretty good shape for 92. This could go on for a lot longer. Do you want this to be your kids, paying for you?
Now for the caveats.
If you decide to go forward and look into getting long term care insurance for yourself, here are some things to keep in mind.
First, get a broker who is a specialist in the field of long term care insurance (LTCi). Generalists may not know all the essential details. There are a lot of details to understand and many product choices on the market.
Next, compare prices. As with auto insurance, for approximately the same coverage for the same length of time, you can pay thousands of dollars more if you pick the wrong company. If you’re inclined, buy before age 60, when prices are automatically higher. Just because.
Look carefully at the concept of “elimination period”. That’s code for deductible. Some are huge and very burdensome. Maybe the insurers who created these hope you’ll die off before you can collect, once you need the help. A three month elimination period for a frail elder can be a long and risky time. In any case, no elimination period or a very short one is best.
If you are considering a particular insurance company, ask the broker about the claims history of the company. Find out what the insurer has actually paid out in benefits and for how long. If the company has only been in the business of LTCi for a few years, there may not be enough history to rely on. Bigger amounts paid out in claims over many years is an indication of a more honest claims philosophy.
Ask if the company has ever been on the receiving end of a “bad faith” lawsuit, especially a class action case. One of my own clients was insured with one of these bad apple insurers. I had to do some serious cage rattling to get her husband’s benefits flowing. The nasty folks at this insurer seemed to be doing all they could to keep their insured from actually getting anything he’d been paying premiums for for 25 years. Now he does receive payments, but it is an ongoing fight to keep them flowing.
The class action bad faith case against the company was in full swing at the time I was helping the client. I could see exactly why. They were doing just what they were accused of doing, and to my own client!
Finally, decide how much risk you are willing to assume for yourself and anyone else for whom you would be responsible for long term care. The chances are, we’ll all need some kind of help in our future. As with any insurance, you are protecting yourself against risk. You either take on the risk yourself, which is fine if you can afford it, or not. If you want the protection of insurance, above all, be a savvy consumer and study what you are buying.
Here is a resource, to which I was referred by a local broker (suzanne@suzanneinsures.com): Kiplinger’s, November, 2010: A 3-Step Guide to Smarter Long-Term Care Planning, www.aaltci.org/guide.
Long term care insurance is a complicated product. You will need to read, listen, ask questions and think it through. If you’re wondering if I bought some for myself, the answer is “yes”. I did the math. It made sense to me. It’s not for everyone and it doesn’t cover everything. But it looks to me like good planning to have it, for many of us.
We’ve all experienced them. Family conflicts can be some of the most emotionally painful of all.
The struggles we have with aging parents are coming up for more of us Boomers because we are getting older. Our parents are living longer and longer. Research shows us that most Boomers still have at least one living parent.
Often, we see that they need some help. It can be expected in advanced years. How many people do you know in their late 80′s who don’t need any kind of help whatsoever? My mother in law, Alice, is 89. She’s still on her own, but she needs help with a lot of things, and pretty much every day, she gets some help with something.
But a lot of other aging parents often don’t think they need assistance. They are used to deciding what is best for themselves and they are not too pleased with the idea of giving that up. The switch to having you, the adult child tell your parent what to do is not an easy switch. It’s often called “role reversal” when you have to parent your own parent.
Role reversal creates conflict. Some of that conflict is within yourself. No matter how old you are, you don’t want to displease your parent if you can help it. You need to assert yourself to keep your aging parent safe, but you are afraid of upsetting him or her. For example, you may know that Mom or Dad is not safe to be driving any longer, but you are fearful of asking or telling your parent to give it up.
Sometimes, the feeling of frustration and even anger at your aging parent can overwhelm you when you are only trying to help. How can they be so stubborn?
At AgingParents.com, we often hear the complaint that an adult child can’t get the aging parent to accept help at home. Accepting help for aging persons is symbolic. It means giving up their independence and accepting their limitations. It creates fear. The parent’s resistance is not about what’s reasonable. It’s about their emotions.
You may be trying to reason with them about what is safest, what is best, and pointing out all the logical reasons for getting someone to come in and help with bathing, cooking, or cleaning. You keep pointing out the benefits. Your parent keeps saying “no”. Why can’t you persuade them? Why won’t they listen to you?
They don’t want to accept help or take your suggestions because emotionally, it feels as if they are losing control of their lives if they do. The most effective way around this is to stop trying to make logical arguments. Stop using reason. Just stick to a different strategy.
The most successful strategy to use is to say that you want what is best for your parent, and they need to do this for you. Avoid talking about the benefits. Skip the warnings about what can go wrong if they don’t do what you suggest. Help Mom or Dad remember that they taught you a basic value: to do what you thought was best for yourself. Now you’re trying to do what you think is indeed best for yourself. They need to do it for your sake.
You need to say how not accepting help puts an increased burden on you. That’s not what is best for you.
When you cease arguing with your aging parent, and stop trying to address an emotional subject with the use of reason, your conflicts will calm down and your frustration level will dramatically fall. This can apply to just about anything you want your aging parent to do. Try it out.
We need a movement. We need a rallying cry. We can’t just sit around and let ourselves fall apart as we get older.
We can’t stop ourselves from aging, but we can probably change the way we do it.
So, I decided to start with myself. What could I change?
I’m an exerciser, but never considered myself an athlete. A lot of walks, the occasional bike ride and some skiing during season were most of what I did. There were trips to they gym and some equipment at home, used during bad weather. I’ve done various sports, but I’ll admit I wasn’t pushing myself a whole lot lately.
Last year my daughter ran a marathon. She’d never done anything like it, was never a runner before. She made it across that finish line. She dedicated herself and trained for months with a group called Team in Training. Afterwards, she told me about a short distance triathlon (run, bike, swim) and suggested we do it.
I looked it over and thought, “maybe”. Then I decided that if I were going to push myself, now was the time. I wasn’t in bad shape, I don’t have any injured parts to worry about. I could find the time to do training.
So, I made up my mind to do a triathlon. I chose a “sprint” distance because it’s the shortest kind there is. I had no intention of sprinting through any part whatsoever, I assure you. I’m 63. That’s not a popular age group for beginners in triathlons.
I thought perhaps I could do it if I had a whole lot of practice.
At first I couldn’t find a group to train with and I didn’t want to do fundraising, as some trainings require. So, I just set off on my own with determination to get control over my aging, starting this very moment.
I joined a gym with a pool. Changing my usual habits was uncomfortable. It felt awkward. I kept forgetting something I needed: my goggles or to put them on. How to get the stupid key into the slot in the locker. I felt like a pea-brain.
I could do only two lengths of a 25 yard pool before having to stop and catch my breath, but I kept it up. At least I already knew how to swim. Gradually, over several months, I worked up to a swim for a half hour without stopping.
I bought a new road bike with skinny tires. I like to ride as does my husband, so I had someone to go with me. Training for biking was a lot of long rides with him. He goes faster than I do, so I kept trying to keep up. I got stronger, but he can still dust me. The best part of this was, I got to buy a whole new wardrobe of colorful biking clothes.
Then there was the running, which I admit I neglected because it was hard for me. I figured out after a while that 60+ joints do a lot better running on dirt or on a track, so I had to find places to do that. I am a small-sized person. Long legs are not my genetic gift. Running is a lot of short strides on short legs. I’m learning about running still. I do a combo of run/walk/repeat. Extending the run times was coming along very slowly.
As the date for my triathlon got closer, I got worried. I wasn’t sure how much to train and I was feeling alone. My daughter got scheduled out, so I was on my own. I finally found a womens’ tri training group, Flower Power Sports. I signed up immediately. I began to find out what it’s like to get your butt kicked training. This is good for you, right?
You see, there were no sports for girls when I was young. I had never been on a team sport except intramurals in college. That was very, very long ago. This is kind of like a team sport, but everyone in the group is training together, not competing with another team. It’s great! A coach to teach us. Friends to share the workouts and the fun. Yep, I felt right at home. I am the second oldest person in the entire group.
A month of serious effort 6 days a week ensued. I got stronger, but noticed that I was a lot slower than the younger folks. What to expect? I kept doubting myself. Am I going to be dead last? Will the event be over before I get to the end of it? Was this a nutty idea?
My race day came. It was an informal, untimed thing, with lots of beginners. I was definitely one of the most senior women there. A few mature men participate, but this sport mainly attracts a lot of 30-40 year olds.
I say, “so what?”
I did my race! I finished in one piece!
Great feeling of exhilaration and accomplishment. Here’s a short VIDEO my adorable husband shot of the highlights. He’s my support team.
So, what I learned is that we can all push ourselves a lot more than we think we can. A big lesson for me was to appreciate that I can do 3 sports one after another. I will never be critical of my body again,ever. Regardless of cellulite. It made me a believer in the movement to take control of our aging. And yes, it’s a lot more work than sitting on the couch.
Actively seeking to do more than we’ve been doing doesn’t have to be a triathlon or even a sport. It can just be a 10 minute walk if for you, that’s more than you’re used to doing. It can be a dance class. It can be a stretching routine you learn from a DVD. It can be anything that makes you feel good and gets you in motion and thinking positively about yourself.
Aging doesn’t have to be a sentence to immobility or falling apart. We have plenty to do with how we age in the choices we make. We can make choices that will have us feeling we’re in charge of how we travel on this aging journey. We can accept that being older can slow us down but it doesn’t have to immobilize us.
Here’s hoping I’ve at least gotten you thinking about getting control of your own aging. So, come on. Just take that first step. It can be something small, something simple. And let me know how you’re doing. Boomers, unite! We’ve got to do this aging thing our way.
Until next time, Carolyn Rosenblatt AgingParents.com
We just got back from Boston for a family wedding and had a really great time. We had a chance to see this amazing city briefly and we just loved it. Such a rich history.
None of those first settlers there could be sure of what lay ahead of them. They faced overwhelming struggles that tested their limits. Tests of endurance, of new conditions, and of survival.
And still, they made it. They overcame those tests and succeeded.
This is not unlike what you are facing with your aging parents. You are on a journey like a colonist, in uncharted territory. Like them, you will have to get outside your comfort zone, deal with the unknown and face it head on.
You don’t know what lies ahead, for sure, but one thing you can be sure of is that your own limits will be tested. Our challenge is not just our aging parents, but aging itself and you must learn how to deal with your own limits about aging if you expect to succeed.
This is the topic of this issue of our newsletter.
The signs are subtle at first. The brain-destroying disease that creeps up unannounced and steals your loved one comes in disguise. “Maybe he’s just getting old”, you tell yourself.
Your aging parent may have noticed being unable to remember things for some time. Dad will cover it up by changing the subject, finding some other words to replace the ones he can find, or just stop in the middle of a sentence.
Mom will insist she’s fine. She knows she isn’t but doesn’t want you to find out. She’ll do anything to keep her memory loss a secret. She fears you’ll put her in a home. To her, that’s a death sentence.
No one has yet to develop a simple test for Alzheimer’s or other dementias. Blood tests are in the works, but not here yet. Brain scans and MRI’s don’t tell us exactly who has Alzheimer’s and who doesn’t. They only give some clues. Neurologists make educated guesses. Primary care physicians do the same.
Here’s what’s important: it doesn’t matter if you have a diagnosis for your aging parent or not. It matters how your aging parent functions. It matters how you deal with what you see.
If your aging parent or loved one is showing persistent memory loss and starting to mess up the basics of life, it’s a warning you should not ignore. It’s more than a “senior moment”.
Here’s an example. A friend, Jaclyn, asked me for some information about her father, age 86. Aging is my field and advising is what I do for a living. Dad’s a brainy guy, a mathematician in his pre-retirement years. She’s noticing changes, which her mom is covering up. He can’t keep track of their finances any longer. Jaclyn knows this isn’t the Dad she’s used to.
Mom just steps in and does what Dad is forgetting. He forgot, for instance, how to make coffee. He’s been making coffee for decades. He forgot the steps. He didn’t remember them later. Is this a “normal” part of aging? He got lost driving home. Is that “normal” because he’s 86? It isn’t. Both of these memory issues are signs of trouble brewing.
Dad refused to try a new card game, something he’s always loved to do in the past. He is having more and more trouble learning any new information, say nothing of keeping track of the information he already knows.
Jaclyn wants to help, but is afraid to bring up the subject of what she sees. Mom will just deny a problem and say Dad is fine, just getting old.
Does it matter whether Dad goes to see a neurologist? Yes. At least that can help sort out the behavior that is not what the family is used to seeing and rule out various causes. Medication interactions, infections, stroke, and even dehydration can cause changes in brain function and behavior. It’s good to find out possible reasons for the memory problems and learn whether they can be treated.
A doctor generally won’t diagnose Alzheimer’s Disease unless there is enough evidence from testing and examining a patient to give the physician reasons to do so. There’s no one test to tell you if your aging parent has it or not. We get clues and doctors draw reasonable conclusions from them, but it’s not a precise thing.
Regardless, if your aging parent is showing the signs Jaclyn’s father is showing, you can take better control of how you handle the problem by acting on the signs rather than ignoring them. You can be sure if Dad is forgetting how to get home while driving, that his driving days should come to an end. That is definitely worth talking to the doctor about, as Dad may need help facing the enormous consequences of losing the ability to drive.
If there is no official diagnosis other than “early dementia” or “mild cognitive impairment”, it’s not a signal to the family that everything is ok and no one needs to plan ahead. Rather, it’s time to take a look at Dad’s future. In advising Jaclyn, I gave her a list of a few things to check into now, rather than wait for a crisis.
Here’s Jaclyn’s 4 item beginning “to do” list:
1. Persuade Dad to get a checkup from a reliable MD, preferably a neurologist who deals with aging patients. You need information. If there are symptoms of dementia, you need to find out what’s going on. If other conditions are in play, appropriate care may make a difference. If you have to conspire with the doc in advance, do it.
2. Locate and update all estate planning documents.
Work with your parents on this. Trusts, wills, durable powers of attorney and health care directives are the most important ones you need to review. It might have been years since anyone looked them over. Urge your parent to see an estate planning attorney. Tax laws change, state laws can vary. Some aging parents have never actually gotten the necessary legal papers together. The time may come when Dad is no longer competent to sign anything. Waiting until “the right time” is not good strategy. It can be too late before you know it.
3. Plan ahead for Dad’s possible care needs.
Who would look after him if Mom could no longer do this? He may go downhill in the future. If he does have dementia, it won’t remain the same over time. People get more dependent on help with their daily needs. Help is not free. Some source of payment for help with daily care should be in the plan.
4. Plan on how to discuss Dad’s situation with all family members.
If Dad has memory problems now, everyone in the family will eventually be involved in the situation. Siblings may need to share caregiving duties. Some may need to make financial contributions. Taking care of both parents as they age is no longer rare in families. An honest conversation about who can do what, and who is willing to help aging parents can go a long way toward avoiding resentment and conflict later on. Take the first step. Be the leader. Someone has to do this, and it isn’t always an aging parent.
You don’t want to be the one lulled into a false sense of security because no one has officially diagnosed your aging parent with a specific kind of dementia. It doesn’t matter. Trust your own eyes and ears. If your gut tells you there’s something wrong here with your loved one, there probably is something wrong. Jaclyn already knows something is brewing with her Dad. She’s being proactive and I applaud her.
You’re not alone if you have a parent with memory loss. Millions of people are facing this every day. They find a way to manage it, and survive and you will too. Be smart. Look down the road. Stand tall and do this last part of being a grown child of your parent. Take a few basic steps to protect your aging parent and yourself and you will get through it without unnecessary stress.
